Virtually every partner carries the burden of the same secret fear: “something was must wrong with me.”  The fear is expressed through numerous self-incriminations such as:

• If I were strong, more athletic, made more money, performed better sexually…then he would not be having sex with others.
• If I were thinner, had bigger breasts, had tighter thighs, had a prettier face…then he would not be looking at porn.”
• If I were less demanding, more compliant, expected less from him and made him happy…then he would not be cheating on me.

Sexual betrayal often triggers pre-existing doubts and insecurities.  Partners can begin to fearfully wonder if perhaps it is their fault that their partner are sexually acting out.

Some men capitalize on these fears by blaming their partners.  Far too often, men say that they act out sexually because their partner has lost interest in them, sexually. Women most often blame a lack of emotional intimacy for why they suddenly became erotically entangled with another man. “He understands me and listens to me in a way that my husband (or boyfriend) doesn’t,” is the common refrain.

In most cases, the partner does not blame the other partner.  Yet, the partner internalizes the blame, believing that “something is wrong with me.”

It is NOT your fault.  You have not caused your partner to act out sexually.  Sexual addiction is a complex set of dynamics related to the addict’s past and present.  It is how he or she is coping with their life story.  Not only is it not your fault, you cannot fix his problem.  You didn’t cause it, you cannot control it, and you cannot cure it.  He must seek help and deal with his own demons.

When sex addicts are in early recovery, their wives (if they have chosen to stay in the marriage) live in fear. Fear that you will relapse. Fear that you will cheat again. Fear that you may lose your job because of a slip at work. There are more fears than I can list here.

Bottom line: They fear being hurt again. Even wives of sex addicts farther along in recovery may still be living in fear, or that old fear may creep up again, even if the addict is keeping his or her partner in the know about recovery.

Studies have shown that virtually all partners of sex addicts report that the addict’s behavior has impacted them in numerous ways:

• • Shock
  • Numbness
  • Confusion
  • Humiliation
  • Fear/anxiety
  • Depression
  • Suicidal thoughts
  • Guilt
  • Shame
  • Anger/Rage
  • Shattered self-esteem,
  • Shattered trust
  • Intrusive negative thinking
  • Horrible images

An online survey, which has been completed by more than 5,000 people has revealed the following:

• • 57% of respondents said they always feel violated due to their partner’s sexual behaviors. 25.05% said they felt this way more often than not and 9.65% said they do half the time. Just 12.73% said never or rarely.
  • When asked whether they question if their partner is thinking about them or other people/things they’ve done when they’re being intimate, just 14.19% said they never or rarely do this. 85.8% said they think about this at least half the time. The majority of respondents said they always think about this (42.79%).
  • 46% of people actively avoid sexual contact with their partner after discovering their behavior.
  • 12% think that their partner acted out because they’re not good enough.
  • Just 2.10% of respondents say that they never feel angry towards their partner after discovering infidelity has taken place.
  • Time isn’t always a healer either – 33.02% of people say they’ve been experiencing these feelings for more than five years.

Many studies have also shown that betrayed partners experience acute stress and anxiety symptoms characteristic of Posttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).  Typically, this is manifested in one or more of the following ways:

• • Emotional instability, including frequent mood shifts, over-the-top emotional reactions, tearfulness, rage, etc., sometimes followed by feelings of intense love and a desire to “make it work.”
  • Hypervigilant behaviors (detective work), such as checking phone and credit card bills, wallets, computers, phone apps, texts, and the like for evidence of continued infidelity.
  • Anxiety, depression, loss of self-esteem, and other mood-related symptoms.
  • Being easily triggered into mistrust of the cheating partner; common triggers included the cheater coming home five minutes late, turning off the computer too quickly, looking “too long” at an attractive person, etc.
  • Going on the attack by “lawyering up,” spending money to punish the addict, telling the kids age-inappropriate information about what the addict did, etc.
  • Sleeplessness, inability to wake up, and/or nightmares.
  • Difficulty focusing on day-to-day events, such as picking the kids up from school, work projects, maintaining a home, etc.
  • Overcompensating by trying to lose weight, dressing provocatively, etc.
  • Obsessing about the betrayal and struggling to stay “in the moment.”
  • Avoiding thinking about or discussing the betrayal.
  • Emotionally escapist use of alcohol, drugs, food, spending, gambling, etc.

This does not necessarily mean that betrayed partners of sex/porn addicts should be diagnosed and treated for PTSD.  It simply means that, for a time, they tend to manifest various symptoms of PTSD. This is understandable, too. Maybe even expected. As survivors of chronic betrayal trauma, it is perfectly natural for a cheated-on partner to respond with rage, anger, fear, and other strong emotions.

Consider these following questions.  Do you feel as if something is going on behind your back that your partner or spouse does not want you to know? Are you continually finding clues that your partner may be involved in sexual behavior outside of your marriage?

If you’re reading this, you probably already have suspicions that your husband is addicted to sex of some kind.  You may be confused by the signs that he is consistently viewing pornography or his behavior seems suspect in some way, but of course you don’t want to believe it. It’s not easy to question our loved ones about difficult topics like sex. And when they deny it, we want to believe them.

But most, if not all sex addicts aren’t honest about their addiction. Or they are deluding themselves about their behavior. They believe that if they are honest about their addiction, they will be rejected, or judged, or feel shame. Their inner-addict also wants to protect the addiction and bringing it to light will endanger the ability to continue to act out.

Honestly, I understand why it can be hard to recognize the symptoms. Most addicts become very skilled at hiding their addiction and convincing their loved ones that everything is okay.

Below are common indicators of sexual addiction:

• Isolation
• Emotional Disconnection
• Long periods of internet usage or video games
• Change in sleep patterns
• Demands for privacy
• Gaslighting – making you feel as if you are crazy
• Obsessively guarding phone
• Interference with normal daily behaviors or responsibilities.
• Lying or personality changes
• Unexplained loss of job
• Catching him disguising or hiding his behaviors online.
• Pornography use considerably affecting his relationships, for example:
  • It may become increasingly difficult for him to become aroused by normal sexual contact.
  • Sexual behavior between you and him may change (e.g., he is emotionally disconnected or he becomes more dominant or aggressive).

See Sexual Addiction under “Questions About Sex Addiction”

You don’t.  First, most addicts disclose using the installment plan or what some call “staggered disclosure.”  Many times the addict doesn’t want to overwhelm their partner and cannot tolerate dumping everything at once.  Often the addict feels intense shame over his or her behavior.  They cannot tolerate how badly they see themselves.  Seeing the look in their partners eyes and hearing the anger come forth at them, floods them with so much shame and pain that they wish to avoid telling the entire truth.  So they hold some back until they can no longer tolerate the shame and guilt of not being honest.  More is shared, ripping the scab off of their partner’s heart.  Traumatizing them further.  In some cases, the addict is still in denial to the full extent of their problem, while in others they are wanting to keep the door open to further acting out.  No matter how adamant addicts are about “there is nothing else.  I promise!” doesn’t mean that there isn’t more.

As part of recovery from his addiction and your own recovery from trauma, the CSAT will orchestrate a disclosure session where the addict has been prepared to provide the entire story and the partner has been prepared to hear it.  The trained counselor will guide the entire process.  Because there are so many ways that a disclosure session can go side-ways, it is critical that you and the addict have a CSAT walk you both through the process.  They have been fully trained on how to lead a full disclosure.

This is a difficult question because so many factors play into the decision. It is also a huge question our generation has to deal with.  Before the internet, possible for people to grow up and have relationships without either having seen porn, at least not on regular basis.  With some exceptions, many people are now finding that those days are over.  A recent survey found that 75% of young Christian men (18-30 years old) view porn at least “several times a month,” 61% say at least “several times a week.”   Those statistics tell single women is that 3 out of the 4 Christian guys they meet struggle with porn on a regular basis.  In 2002, the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers, the divorce attorneys said over half (56%) of their cases involved one party having “an obsessive interest in pornographic websites.”

If you are blessed to find someone who has never looked at pornography or only minimally so, yet has no desire to watch.  That doesn’t mean, however, that things always stay that way.  In marriage people change, sometimes for the better and sometimes for the worse.  A partner who never had a problem with pornography use can later become addicted.  This is why we make the vow in the wedding ceremony that we are taking the other “for better or for worse.”

Absolutely.  For many, the result of going through sexual addiction recovery is a better marriage.  The years of putting on a mask, hiding secrets, isolating, lying, to name a few have been replaced with a new personal, relational, and emotional honesty that help to build a stronger relationship bond then they have ever had.  In the book of Joel 2:25, the prophet penned: The LORD says, “I will give you back what you lost to the swarming locusts, the hopping locusts, the stripping locusts, and the cutting locusts… (NLT). God is pledging to restore His repentant people to a place of blessing after judgment. God specializes in never letting a crisis go to waste.  He takes back what the evil one hoped to steal, kill, and destroy.

Arriving at this new place of personal, relational, spiritual, and emotional honesty does not come easy.  It will take time to get there and it will be a growing process.  I know partners cringing at the idea that this will take multiple years.  It does not mean, however, that the time will be all bad, all the time.  If God created the world and raised people from the dead, He can recreate relationships and raise a dead one to new life.

Learning of a partner’s sexual acting out is devasting. Spouses and partners often share with me that they feel shock, depression, rage, confusion, and isolation.

As we all need to make meaning of our experiences so does the partner. Reactions inherent to the process include It is imperative that trauma recovery and healing need to occur so that the partner can heal and couples can formulate a new relationship, different from the one that presented during and prior to the betrayal.

Treatment for the partner typically includes individual, couples and group therapies, involvement in a recovery community and psycho-educational materials; sometimes a structured inpatient and/or intensive outpatient program is indicated as well. Partners need to face their own experience and find resolution in the trauma.

In addition to counseling, most betrayed partners attend S-Anon meetings.  S-Anon is a fellowship of relatives and friends of sex addicts who share their experience, strength, and hope with each other so that they may solve their common problems.  S-Anon uses the twelve steps and twelve traditions, adapted from Alcoholic Anonymous.  S-Anon members find relief and hope in sharing with others who “get it.”  It helps members learn how to make good choices for themselves and discover that they can live more serene and fulfilling lives whether or not the sex addict chooses to see recovery.

Unaddressed trauma from learning about a partner’s behavior can affect the person for the rest of his or her life.  Yet, it doesn’t need to be that way.

The bottom line is that there is a lot of help for you.  Phoenix Counseling and Consulting specializes in working with partners of sex addicts, not just the sex addict him or herself.

Sexual addiction doesn’t just affect the person suffering from the condition. It also has a significant impact on their partner, friends and family.

Partners, in particular, are especially likely to suffer the consequences of sexual addiction. They can, in fact, be so profound that they too seek professional counselling to aid them with the healing process.  Getting help does not mean that you are responsible for the addict’s choices and behaviors.  It means you are honoring yourself and getting the help you need and deserve.  We say that not getting help from the impact of your partner’s actions is allowing those actions to control you the rest of your life, even if you attempt to sweep your afflicted feelings and thoughts under the “bed.”

Absolutely.  You can take responsibility for yourself and seek help regardless of what your partner does.  In fact, many partners have found that after beginning counseling and attending S-Anon they grew to the point where the addict decided to get help.  That is not the reason to get help but it is a possible outcome.